The Breakfast Buffet

There's a golden butter-flooded crumpet incoming. But what to spread? We say, always: LBJ’s Lemon and Vanilla Marmalade—thick cut citrus, chewy bits of vanilla bean pod, not bitter in the least. Sunshine in a jar.

You might hear stainless steel dinnerware and think: prison cafeteria. But no. Not this time.This one’s giving: glamour. It’s giving: flattering reflections. It’s giving: the whoosh of a silver dome being lifted from a hotel breakfast trolley.

Some sounds are designed to inspire terror: sirens wailing, newborns crying, nails and chalkboards, and, more puzzlingly, iPhone alarms. But why? Why must iPhone alarms sound so… alarming? Surely the very first thing we hear each day shouldn’t fall into this category? Surely one shouldn’t wake up believing they’re under siege? On fire? In trouble?! And so, might we present this old-fashioned clock? It’s a clock that alerts you, rather than alarms you, that it’s time to wake up. All bells, no whistles, and most crucially: no screens (zero need for your phone to be in the room at all!). A silent sweeping motion means it won’t tick through the night. Sweet dreams.

A shirt that’ll take you from breakfast to bbq. Some sort of giant Sunday Spanish tortilla with grated tomato situation? Think so.

A doily-basket designed to hold your strawberries? Yes. Is that not a bit extravagant? The most. Unnecessary? Utterly. Ridiculous? Sure. Yes. It is all of those things. And yet! Handmade in Italy from crisp lace, we sort of, kind of… want one? And if that isn’t quite giving you the excess you crave, might we direct you to their egg chandelier?

Don’t you love it when fancy toasters describe the basic functions of a toaster as though it’s a unique feature of their particular toaster. Like, this one promises a built-in-dial, and bread raising lever, “to achieve perfect toasting results every time, whether that’s gently golden or well-done.”  Which you could get, arguably, from any toaster. Right? Because that’s what toasters do. But we’re not here for that, are we? We’re here for the glamour! The shine! The sharp angles! We’re here for the slick metal and cherry tomato interface! The ergonomic thrill of pulling out the crumb drawer. The feeling that you have not bought a toaster so much as you have bought a piece of functional, actual, art.

Nothing to see here. Just very good, very thick, proper old-fashioned crumpets, featuring brown paper packaging and the perfect amount of chew. Toast well, and absolutely soak in butter and honey.

The full lounge set, an easygoing duo that’s ready to relax. The slouchier, couch-ier, pocketless trouser is longer in length, shorter in drawstring, and loungier in vibe than our regular long pants. Pair with a bikini or a bed or whatever you like, really. That’s the whole point of this round-the-clock special.

The pickle (no pun intended) with Bloody Marys, is that those in need of one the most, are usually the ones least capable of actually making one. This collaboration between Lockdown Liquor & Co and The Pickle House has these exact people in mind: all you need to do to enjoy this combination of spiced tomato mix, vodka, sriracha and lemon, is crack it open, find a clean glass, and pour it.